Well, if I'm going to have a blog about striving for fitness and health with a disability, it's time to air out the dirty laundry. I know it's part and parcel, but there is something about letting those ugly little details be seen by others that makes it a little too realistic. But in all things worth having, there is such a thing as accountability. If you're not going to do it right, don't do it. So here it is...
I'm 5'10" tall, but I do not stand up straight unless I can hold something on the right side along with my cane. (This prevents me from falling, of course.) So I look a little shorter than that. My current weight is 174lbs, but at my highest, I was somewhere upwards of 230. Once I hit 225, I stopped getting on the scale, but I know I went higher. So I estimated my starting point at 230, even though the real number was probably more. I've looked at varying weight charts, and from what I've found, the highest end for my "large frame" (gotta love having shoulders like a linebacker!) is 170lbs. I'm not a huge fan of the BMI, considering it doesn't take gender or frame into account, or body type either. However, in the interest of accuracy and thoroughness, I calculated that too. It's 25, which put me right on the cusp between "healthy" and "overweight."
The disability issues that hinder me are the lack of strength and balance capability in my right leg, as mentioned yesterday, and also cervical stenosis with a bulging disk in my neck. This impedes some of my weight lifting, and also completely killed my one perfect, aerobic exercise, kayaking. After that became verboten last spring, I hit the skids a little, and really struggled to recover. It felt like a kick in the teeth, having finally found the "perfect" exercise that I could actually do, and then to have it taken away. I was pretty seriously depressed about it. However, I am allowed to go if it's a calm day with no wind, and I don't push the current at all, so I'm planning to get back on the 'yak this summer.
My goal here has never been about a particular weight or BMI, though. There is no magic number on the scale that will suddenly turn me into one of those rare women who thinks she looks fabulous. Because really, it isn't about that number. It's about how I feel. It's about how my jeans fit, it's about how I think I look when I get into a bathing suit. Let's face it. I'm nearly 40, gimpy, and really not interested in playing any sort of flirtation game like some 20 something kid. When I walk on the beach, my goal is not to attract the admiring glances of the young and beautiful. When I walk on the beach, my goal is not to lose my balance in the shifting sand and fall on my face. I think that's a high enough pedestal for now, hmm?
My current jeans size is a 12, and they aren't uncomfortably tight or anything. If I drop one more size, great, but if not, I'm fine with that too. My biggest body image issue is my abdomen. I am, as I've quipped before, all gut and no butt. It's just...flabby. I don't like it. There, I said it. I don't hate all of my body, but I sure as hell do hate what's between the tatas and the hips. I want that part of my body to slim down a little, to be better toned. I have decent arms when I'm not slacking off the weight lifting I do, and my legs are asymmetrical at best, but not horrible. But the sight of my midsection is enough to make me cringe.
So today's goal when I get home is to do the stretches with the foam roller (more on this tomorrow), and do some core work on the therapy ball (more on this tomorrow too). I'm making a roasted butternut squash soup for dinner, but I need to come up with a protein to add, too. That is one thing that I have done so far is to jack up the protein levels for the whole family, not just for the diabetic member (no, not me).
OK, so there you have it. All of my embarassing shame, laid out for the world. Hey, just be glad I didn't include pics!
