Blindsided

It's funny how the weirdest things can come from almost nowhere to clothesline an otherwise peaceful state of mind.  I have been having issues with my stenosis escalating, as well as more pain and swelling in my knee, and both have adversely affected my confidence and calm.  But this one...this really nailed me.

My wanderlust has never really been a secret to anyone who knows me.  Since I was old enough to understand the phrase, "Lets' go!" I have always been happier when I'm going somewhere new, experiencing a new place, culture, meeting new people, trying new food.  I guess it ties in with the whole AD/HD child thing, but I just like being on the go.  So when I was at the grocery store the other day, I pondered picking up a magazine to read in a nice bubble bath that evening, and as my eyes wandered over Cosmo telling me how great my sex life could be, and Glamour telling me how to look fabulous in this year's spring fashions, I was inextricably drawn to the latest issue of National Geographic.  The title was simple enough: 100 Journeys of a Lifetime.  *DING*  Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!

I never really had a "bucket list" of places that I wanted to see when I had the chance.  My "list" consisted merely of the phrase, "All of it."  So when a quick flip through the magazine as I stood in line revealed Machu Piccu, the Great Wall, the Fjords, and other delicious feasts to explore, the decision to purchase it was a no-brainer.  I had stuff to do when I got home, as we had a friend coming in from out of town for an overnight stay.  But the magazine was waiting for me upstairs like an impatient lover, and I knew it.  Dinner was made and enjoyed, lively conversations exchanged, dishes washed.  And then, finally, it was my time to go curl up and let my mind explore all the places I knew that some day I would photograph, the places in which I would immerse myself, absorbing their magics, their spirits, their personalities.  Through them, I will learn the real histories of people, and hopefully work for a peaceful future.

As I delved into someone else's photos of these places, I read about "climbing the elevations," "renting a bicycle" and "multi-day hikes."  It was like showing a starving child a feast and then saying, "But you can't have anything other than bread and water."  What was a source of excitement for me quickly became glaring neon signs of everything I will never be able to do and see.  I simply do not have the physical capability to do the required hike to get up and into Machu Piccu for example.  Walking the 7 mile stretch of the Great Wall?  I think not.  As my fingers turned the pages, my heart grew heavier and heavier.  It's one thing to have your limitations be mostly in the background, but it is quite another to have them dropped like a brick wall in front of your face.

The realization of just how many places are now out of my reach, hit me harder almost than the news that I wouldn't walk again by myself.  I always had the attitude that I'd "work around it" but I am having to come to terms with the simple fact that there are things that can't be "worked around."  Wheelchairs are simply not designed to be all-terrain vehicles, and they clearly are not designed to handle things like steep mountain trails.  I tend to be pretty amused when someone tells me that I "can't" do something because of my disability, and I take great pleasure in proving the person wrong when I do it.  But this is me having to face facts.  And quite frankly, those facts really suck.

My head-space is not a healthy one right now.  I know it, but I don't know how to fix it.  I'm not even sure I have the strength of character to accept this with any sort of grace, and that's just as humiliating as the facts I'm trying to accept.  I'm in a place where I hate my body.  I'm furious, resentful, frustrated, bitter, and sullen.  It's a lousy combination, yes.  I'm well aware.  But I'm just not sure I know how to get out of it.

Any ideas?  Feel free to comment.

Who says?

People with disabilities feel a myriad of emotions towards the able-bodied.  Some of these, obviously, are unrelated to the physicality, but for the purpose of this blog, we're sticking with those that are directly related.

Occasionally, there can be jealousy.  I know this one from personal experience that while most days, it doesn't affect me, there are days when I am green with envy at those people who can carry things in two hands, walk by themselves, hold hands with a partner and a child.  I could write volumes on the insecurities that play into this, along with the potential damage done if it isn't tempered by acceptance.  However, that too, while valid, isn't quite where I'm going.

That mixture of amusement and frustration, generally accompanied by a rolling of the eyes and a shake of the head, is my focus for today.  It's the one that is sparked by ignorance and assumptions, and a general cluelessness of which I rant today.  So grab yourselves a nice beverage and a snack, and let's compare notes!

In the midst of a conversation at the office recently, I mentioned that the Dynamo, good friend of the Professor, just got an iPhone.  Now, for those who are still living under a rock, the iPhone looks something like this:

(Please note: photo used without copyright permission for educational purposes only!)

So, as we can clearly see, the iPhone, in all its glory, has a touch screen.  The Dynamo is blind.  And as I mentioned how much the Dynamo liked the interface with her other adaptive technological devises, the inevitable exclamation hit the table.  "But she's blind.  She can't use a touch screen!"  Uh.  Why don't you tell her that and see how far you get? 

Then there is the photographer who, after hearing on a public forum that I have a disability, told me flat out that I have no business even trying to be a photographer.  Since I cannot squat, kneel, move quickly at angles, like other photographers, I am taking valuable business away from those "who can do the job for real."  He told me that having aspirations was fine in theory, but that I, like most "handicapped" people, needed to "learn [my] limitations."

Well color me flabbergasted.  'Cause see, while I might have been a tad slower than most people in getting down and back up, I had no physical issue getting this shot:

And miraculously, I was able to "move fast enough" to catch this shot, but not get myself or Alejandro wet:

Keeping steady enough to capture the Artist's unbelievable eyes?  Hmm.  Didn't seem to be a problem:

Now, the surfer dude may not have been steady on his feet, but I think my angle and my speed was pretty comparable:

Yes, I could go on and on, but if anyone has AD/HD like me, it's already kicking in.  The bottom line is that the general ignorant public truly has no clue about the adaptive maneuvers and actual abilities that we have.  

So when someone tells me that I "shouldn't bother" being a photographer simply because I can't walk like they do, or can't kneel down, I'm left with a conundrum.  How exactly am I supposed to respond to that?  Part of me feels angry: I'm tired of the stupidity, but it isn't my job to engage in a battle of wits with a clearly unarmed person.  Part of me pities the person: to be that ignorant must really suck.  Part of me just rolls my eyes and ignores it, but the issue there lies in the fact that the ignorance and the stereotyping is perpetuated.  I wind up not really knowing what to say, what to do, how to react.

Instead, I think I'll just leave that guy with this: