Catching Up

It has been way, way too long.  My apologies!

The simple fact is that I've been drowning.  Work, physical issues, end-of-school chaos with the kids, all of it.  I know, I know...excuses!

The fact is that my own dissatisfaction with life in general has sapped my creativity.  I do find bits and pieces here and there in the form of my first Bargello quilt, some gorgeous prom portraits, and some spectacular macros after a storm traipsed its way through my roses.  But overall?  Meh.

I'm finding myself sliding into the spiral of increased stress causing lower pain threshold, and as most spinning rides, it's making me pretty sick.  I'm seriously tired of the constant battles to keep the swelling down and the flexibility up.  I had to measure the atrophy points again because I needed to order replacement straps for my brace, and found that it's gotten worse.  It now stands at 2.5" on the quad and 1.25 on the calf.  Lovely.

But it seems like the peripheral bullshit is what's really getting to me. For example, I had several copyrighted photos stolen and altered.  The best part?  It was by my son's yearbook adviser.  Nice, eh?  I'm working towards resolving that particular issue shortly, but his impending final exams and graduation are really good reasons for a bit of restraint when it comes to timing.

And as usual, there's my job...our office at work has been given a monumental task by our client who wants to discontinue our contract, but cannot afford to do so this year.  So the general opinion throughout the office is that the client is setting us up to fail so then they have "good reason" to bail in the next turn of the fiscal wheel.  What makes me think this?  Well, they change their minds on what they want every other week, but keep deadlines the same.  They have people on their end who have responsibilities that must be accomplished in order for the project to progress, but those people won't do their job.  The client refuses to own this problem, or to do anything about it.  But guess who gets blamed?  *ding*  We have a winner! 

So, like most people, I'm searching for an option, as it appears that my current option will indeed vanish at the end of 13 months from now.  But then I got thinking...

Maybe there is a better way.  I will definitely bust tail to find a "real" job like a responsible adult should.  But ya know, maybe it's time to renew my efforts to complete a potentially beneficial project as well or even instead.  It's possible.  I'm trying to shift my paradigms yet again, working to mold the negative and the stress into potentially good moves.  If I can shift some of the mental stress, maybe it'll help with the physical, no?

I do realize that my medical status is, well, static.  "You're not going to walk again by yourself" is pretty clear, and the miracles of modern medicine hadn't quite caught up to my level of gimpyness.  But we'll see.  In the meantime, it's on me and no one else to break the pain cycle of stress.  No one else can do it for me.

So it's time to get in gear.  All 3 kids are college students as of next weekend. It's time to get my life together and make it happen.  Amanda Palmer started a thread on her Twitter feed the other day that went viral pretty quickly.  The basic premise, along with the hashtag, was "FuckPlanB."  It makes total sense, if you think about it.  If you hide in the shadows of a back up plan, what impetus do you have to make your true dreams happen? 

Time to Fuck Plan B...how will YOU do it?

Spring is here...let's eat!

There are so many classic signs of spring: from the first appearance of robins and daffodils to the latest short, spring fashions showing up on cute co-eds. But one of my favorites is the folding tables and crates dragged from trucks, laden with fresh vegetables and fruit.  When the Farmers' Markets start up, my creative juices start competing with Pavlov to inspire me.  While I love to peruse food blogs on any given day, I turn into a recipe stalker when this season hits.

One of my all time favorites is Smitten Kitchen. Deb's culinary explorations are not just delectable to taste, but also to visualize, thanks to the photos that accompany each recipe.  She always includes a link to one shot of her unbelievably cute kid, which just adds to the appeal for me.  Her latest offering features shaved asparagus, which she actually did in a similar post a while back, but on a pizza.  I have plans to make that pizza very, very soon.  (Like maybe, the next Saturday the Scientist is off geocaching and won't be home for dinner.) 

Another great one to peruse is Marcus Samuelsson's page.  His background really gives him an extra little edge, I think, when it comes to creativity.  The guy was born in Ethiopia, raised in Sweden, and now lives in NYC.  talk about being able to pull from several different cultural threads! 

Of course, while eating healthy is important, especially for those of us who start behind the physical eight ball, you have to have a little bit of la Dolce Vita, right?  For some really fun applications of it, go poke around at Bakerella.  She has got some amazingly cool ideas, and most are simple enough for really anyone with a little time on their hands and an occasion to match. 

So grab yourself some fresh, juicy fruit, or maybe some veggies and dip, and peruse a blog or two.  Get inspired to use healthful ingredients in amazing ways that will make your palate spin for joy!  And if you're so inclined, please let me know of other food blogs that I should be exploring.  I can always read more!

Blindsided

It's funny how the weirdest things can come from almost nowhere to clothesline an otherwise peaceful state of mind.  I have been having issues with my stenosis escalating, as well as more pain and swelling in my knee, and both have adversely affected my confidence and calm.  But this one...this really nailed me.

My wanderlust has never really been a secret to anyone who knows me.  Since I was old enough to understand the phrase, "Lets' go!" I have always been happier when I'm going somewhere new, experiencing a new place, culture, meeting new people, trying new food.  I guess it ties in with the whole AD/HD child thing, but I just like being on the go.  So when I was at the grocery store the other day, I pondered picking up a magazine to read in a nice bubble bath that evening, and as my eyes wandered over Cosmo telling me how great my sex life could be, and Glamour telling me how to look fabulous in this year's spring fashions, I was inextricably drawn to the latest issue of National Geographic.  The title was simple enough: 100 Journeys of a Lifetime.  *DING*  Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!

I never really had a "bucket list" of places that I wanted to see when I had the chance.  My "list" consisted merely of the phrase, "All of it."  So when a quick flip through the magazine as I stood in line revealed Machu Piccu, the Great Wall, the Fjords, and other delicious feasts to explore, the decision to purchase it was a no-brainer.  I had stuff to do when I got home, as we had a friend coming in from out of town for an overnight stay.  But the magazine was waiting for me upstairs like an impatient lover, and I knew it.  Dinner was made and enjoyed, lively conversations exchanged, dishes washed.  And then, finally, it was my time to go curl up and let my mind explore all the places I knew that some day I would photograph, the places in which I would immerse myself, absorbing their magics, their spirits, their personalities.  Through them, I will learn the real histories of people, and hopefully work for a peaceful future.

As I delved into someone else's photos of these places, I read about "climbing the elevations," "renting a bicycle" and "multi-day hikes."  It was like showing a starving child a feast and then saying, "But you can't have anything other than bread and water."  What was a source of excitement for me quickly became glaring neon signs of everything I will never be able to do and see.  I simply do not have the physical capability to do the required hike to get up and into Machu Piccu for example.  Walking the 7 mile stretch of the Great Wall?  I think not.  As my fingers turned the pages, my heart grew heavier and heavier.  It's one thing to have your limitations be mostly in the background, but it is quite another to have them dropped like a brick wall in front of your face.

The realization of just how many places are now out of my reach, hit me harder almost than the news that I wouldn't walk again by myself.  I always had the attitude that I'd "work around it" but I am having to come to terms with the simple fact that there are things that can't be "worked around."  Wheelchairs are simply not designed to be all-terrain vehicles, and they clearly are not designed to handle things like steep mountain trails.  I tend to be pretty amused when someone tells me that I "can't" do something because of my disability, and I take great pleasure in proving the person wrong when I do it.  But this is me having to face facts.  And quite frankly, those facts really suck.

My head-space is not a healthy one right now.  I know it, but I don't know how to fix it.  I'm not even sure I have the strength of character to accept this with any sort of grace, and that's just as humiliating as the facts I'm trying to accept.  I'm in a place where I hate my body.  I'm furious, resentful, frustrated, bitter, and sullen.  It's a lousy combination, yes.  I'm well aware.  But I'm just not sure I know how to get out of it.

Any ideas?  Feel free to comment.

Who says?

People with disabilities feel a myriad of emotions towards the able-bodied.  Some of these, obviously, are unrelated to the physicality, but for the purpose of this blog, we're sticking with those that are directly related.

Occasionally, there can be jealousy.  I know this one from personal experience that while most days, it doesn't affect me, there are days when I am green with envy at those people who can carry things in two hands, walk by themselves, hold hands with a partner and a child.  I could write volumes on the insecurities that play into this, along with the potential damage done if it isn't tempered by acceptance.  However, that too, while valid, isn't quite where I'm going.

That mixture of amusement and frustration, generally accompanied by a rolling of the eyes and a shake of the head, is my focus for today.  It's the one that is sparked by ignorance and assumptions, and a general cluelessness of which I rant today.  So grab yourselves a nice beverage and a snack, and let's compare notes!

In the midst of a conversation at the office recently, I mentioned that the Dynamo, good friend of the Professor, just got an iPhone.  Now, for those who are still living under a rock, the iPhone looks something like this:

(Please note: photo used without copyright permission for educational purposes only!)

So, as we can clearly see, the iPhone, in all its glory, has a touch screen.  The Dynamo is blind.  And as I mentioned how much the Dynamo liked the interface with her other adaptive technological devises, the inevitable exclamation hit the table.  "But she's blind.  She can't use a touch screen!"  Uh.  Why don't you tell her that and see how far you get? 

Then there is the photographer who, after hearing on a public forum that I have a disability, told me flat out that I have no business even trying to be a photographer.  Since I cannot squat, kneel, move quickly at angles, like other photographers, I am taking valuable business away from those "who can do the job for real."  He told me that having aspirations was fine in theory, but that I, like most "handicapped" people, needed to "learn [my] limitations."

Well color me flabbergasted.  'Cause see, while I might have been a tad slower than most people in getting down and back up, I had no physical issue getting this shot:

And miraculously, I was able to "move fast enough" to catch this shot, but not get myself or Alejandro wet:

Keeping steady enough to capture the Artist's unbelievable eyes?  Hmm.  Didn't seem to be a problem:

Now, the surfer dude may not have been steady on his feet, but I think my angle and my speed was pretty comparable:

Yes, I could go on and on, but if anyone has AD/HD like me, it's already kicking in.  The bottom line is that the general ignorant public truly has no clue about the adaptive maneuvers and actual abilities that we have.  

So when someone tells me that I "shouldn't bother" being a photographer simply because I can't walk like they do, or can't kneel down, I'm left with a conundrum.  How exactly am I supposed to respond to that?  Part of me feels angry: I'm tired of the stupidity, but it isn't my job to engage in a battle of wits with a clearly unarmed person.  Part of me pities the person: to be that ignorant must really suck.  Part of me just rolls my eyes and ignores it, but the issue there lies in the fact that the ignorance and the stereotyping is perpetuated.  I wind up not really knowing what to say, what to do, how to react.

Instead, I think I'll just leave that guy with this:

On a dime...or maybe even a penny

Some days, all you can do is duck and cover.  However, as effective as that strategy can be, it doesn't get stuff done, and it doesn't prevent new stuff from hitting the Master List.  So sometimes, an even better strategy is to just stop.

Now, I do realize that this doesn't necessarily solve either of the problems I mentioned above.  However, it does allow you to better assess where things are, what is left to be done, what can be put off, and what needs your attention rightnothisverysecond.  It allows you to do one of the most important things in your daily life: prioritize.

As of now, the Master List For Work reads something like this: reconcile the selection routing sheets for upwards of 75 folders, review all new items, fix all of the edits on selections in the system, extend contracts to teachers for item writing and reviewing, email teachers to help solve their issues, or to gently blow them off if needs be, prepare training materials for an upcoming session, try to figure out where the rest of my stuff is for the new part of my job, organize my desk better so that I am not driving myself nuts trying to find things, clean out rejected selection folders and shift their status in the system, do all of the EC and ESL reviews for over a dozen assessments, write my own fill-in items, start to build test forms, and about a dozen other things that I haven't even thought about today.  Obviously, there is no way to get this all done in a day, or even a month.  Many of these are ongoing.  However, some of it can be done in a day, but it requires a solid block of time, preferably uninterrupted.  Now, I don't know about your office, but in mine, the word "uninterrupted" is somewhat of a source of amusement.  Its rarity makes it precious and valuable, but it also makes attaining it nearly impossible.

And of course, like any other working parent, my Real Job starts when I walk out of the office.  I pick up the Ambassador, run any errands that need doing, and head home to deal with dinner.  After dinner, I may or may not have kitchen duty.  At that point, I am wiped out.  The idea of tackling my Master List At Home is so daunting that I don't even try.  So things pile up.  Weekends can offer some time to knock some items off, but when away games and unexpected circumstances crop up, time grows really short.  So when our friends wanted to see how our house was laid out, I showed them.  But holy hell, did I cringe.  It made me realize how far away from me that Master List has gotten, and how desperately I need to take some time to address it.  It's gotten to where I have sub-lists for different rooms, because the list has grown so huge.

I realize that I have to take my limitations into consideration, but man, there are days when I just want to say "screw it" and blitz all out until everything is done.  Too bad it isn't actually possible!

And so, today, I have decided to stop.  Stop totally, step back, and revise the Master Lists into priorities.  Stephen Covey denotes the difference between "urgency" and "importance" and it's time for me to do the same with the things I need to get done.  Otherwise, I'm going to go crazier than I already am.

But for right now, my first priority above all, is to take a deep breath, and realize that the world will not stop revolving if I don't get it all done.  I think this one may be the toughest!

Killing the cat...all nine lives

As I was reading on Facebook the other day, my daughter's friend, the Dynamo, mentioned that she was stopped by someone on her way into class.  The person asked the Dynamo, in all seriousness, what she did with Sunny, her guide dog, when the Dynamo was in class. 

*blink*

Really?

So of course, being a smart ass, I joined in with several others of my questionable ilk and offered up some witty repartee that could've made for a quick response.  Her professor, actually, posted the "winning" retort by saying that Sunny had been helping her grade papers and tests, but had a bad habit of sexting in class.  I loved it.

It really got me thinking, though, about some of the dumb questions and assumptions that people have about any individual with a disability.  I've been asked why I still work, how I run when I use a cane (?!), why I don't "just get physical therapy" or "just have surgery" to fix the issue, and many more.  One of my favorite stories was when I had a clerk start speaking loudly and extremely slowly to me.  I was kind of surprised, and didn't say anything, but when she counted out my change coin by coin, dollar by dollar, I got a little wary.  After she was done, she patted my arm and said that I was very brave and strong, being out in the world by myself.  I looked her straight in the eye and told her that while I couldn't walk like most people, my cognitive functioning was quite intact, unlike hers apparently was.  She was offended, but guess what?  So was I.  Offended, insulted, and disgusted.  Why assume an inability to care for oneself simply due to a disability?

Now, there are those who believe that being asked the stupid questions presents an opportunity for education, and that the flippant, sarcastic comebacks are not just disrespectful but destructive to the "community bond" that people with disabilities try to forge with "normal" people.  OK, I'm going to take heat for this, but this is a place for honesty, so I'm not going to negate that now.  First, in my not-at-all humble opinion, the condescension and obnoxiously intrusive questions convey a whole lot more disrespect than using humor to diffuse a potentially angry situation. Second, who in the ever loving hell came up with the idea that it is somehow our responsibility to forge a relationship with strangers who clearly don't respect us? 

Maybe that seems unnecessarily harsh, but think about it.  People will come up to someone with a disability and ask very personal questions without hesitation; they don't do that to the average Joe Public on the street.  We are asked details about potentially traumatic events, we're asked to relive emotional struggles and to share our demons with strangers like they have some sort of right to know about them.  What gives anyone the right?  Don't get me wrong...when a little kid asks, "Why does she walk like that?" or "Why do you wear that?" or exclaims, "My grandma has a cane, too!  Are you old like her?" I don't even blink.  To me, that is the natural curiosity of a child coming through, and that, to me, truly is an opportunity for education.  And yes, adult humans are curious as well, but adults are supposed to be hardwired with a modicum of discretion to temper that curiosity.  Otherwise, instead of curious, they are perceived as merely intrusive and rude.

Next time you see someone in a wheelchair, with a guide dog, signing with a friend, or adapting in any other way, I implore you...stop and think.  The question you're about to ask could make you look like a total ass.  Consider that before you ask it!

Do you measure up? I sure don't.

Most people with a disability that affects movement deal with the concept of muscle atrophy on a daily basis.  Atrophy is basically the wasting away of muscle tissue, robbing the limb of the strength it needs for even the more basic functioning.

I've fought this lovely little phenomenon for most of my life, and for a long time, had it well under control.  We had a basic BowFlex at home (bought 10+ yrs ago!), and leg presses were a favorite warm up for me.  I could press the whole set, which was 310lbs, doing 50 reps without too much of a struggle.  Yes, I was using both legs, but I was using them almost equally.  The left leg is always the last second back-up if the knee gives, but the strength to move the weight was always coming from both sides.  However, after the MRSA destroyed my leg, I have found myself unable to recover the strength and muscle mass.  This, my friends, is a nearly constant source of frustration for me.

I've written before how I fail on a nearly daily basis to adhere to my "10 minutes of standing or walking out of any given hour" restriction.  Therefore, as I am standing and walking, I am using those muscles, correct?  So it would stand to reason that the muscle would not atrophy.  The measurements I took last night contradicted that assumption in a really big way.  Last weekend was a great example -- I walked all over the city of New Orleans, resting occasionally, using street cars for long treks, but make no mistake, I walked.  Despite the fact that I use a cane, and therefore do not walk quite evenly, there is no good reason that my muscles shouldn't have responded to the workouts they got.  But they didn't.

The key to measurement limits from my younger days and the orthopaedic surgeons that ruled them, was one inch on the quad and half an inch in the calf.  Any more than that, and I would receive a heated lecture about how I have to partner with them to rebuild and recover my knee, and how that muscle strength was imperative especially for people like me, whose knee joint was unstable enough to give way at any given time, without warning.  I could almost recite Dr. Richards' words to you by heart, including facial expressions and tonal inflections.  Now, don't get me wrong...everything he said was accurate.  I was always contrite, promising meekly to do better, and I would come back the next visit triumphant.

I'm not sure what made me do the measurements last night; I haven't done them in ages, simply because I just did not want to know.  But something made me get my tape measure out, and stretch out my legs on the bed.  I didn't even have to think about how far to go up or down, where to put the tape.  It all flowed back naturally as if I'd done it yesterday.  However, after I'd done the baseline set, and moved to the right leg, I was so stunned that I went back and redid them.  This time, I was more careful.  This time, I reasoned, I'd get a more accurate number and it wouldn't bring the tears to my eyes.

Nope.

The numbers didn't change.  Not. At. All.

Dammit.

Between my quads, there is a full two inch deficit, and between the calves, there is an inch and a quarter.  I could not wrap my head around how bad it was, especially when I do push my leg muscles.  I do force them to work, more than they are supposed to be forced!  What the hell would the numbers look like if I obeyed the 10 minute rule?  I cannot even fathom, and really?  I don't think I want to try.

So today, I fight the frustration and the resentment.  Today, I fight the sense of failure and futility.  Today, I fight just to remember what it was like when I could walk unassisted, carry things in two hands, and the myriad of other things I've lost. 

But today's fight may not be won on this battlefield.  This one might take more than I've got.

Back in the saddle...or not!

It'd be lovely to come in here and wax poetic on the beauties of New Orleans, and expound on how losing another 20lbs since I was last there helped me so much that I came back ready to hop back into my workout routine.  Then again, it would also be nice to be typing this while I sit on the porch at my island house, watching the tide come in, bringing me new shells and some fresh fish to catch for dinner.

Alas, neither of those going to happen.  Instead, I am typing this on a "cigarette" break at the office, wishing I had the energy to lift weights or even do some core work on the therapy ball.  Instead, I am praying that the hours pass quickly today so that I can get home at 7pm, get something to eat with the Artist, crawl into bed for Big Bang Theory, and lift the only weight of the day in the form of my covers over my head to pass out immediately after.  Instead, I am smiling at the sheer bliss of the past weekend in the Crescent City, while propping my leg up on my desk to reduce some of the swelling in my knee.

Choices and consequences, my friends.  Life is all about choice and consequences.

I am a huge, huge proponent of personal responsibility, as I have mentioned before.  I knew going in that this weekend would have a potentially profound physical impact on me, and I chose to do everything I did with that in mind.  I did wind up in quite a bit of pain, and generally ignored it and kept going.  Pain could be dealt with later, after all, but my time in the city was limited.  Taking pain killers was an option, but it needed to be balanced with whether or not I was imbibing as well.  Again, all about responsibility.

We got stuck in Atlanta on the way home, which led to coming off a cramped airplane and then hauling tail between terminals repeatedly to try to get on different flights.  Exhaustion, stress, fury, and pain spiraled into Very Bad Things, and by the time we got home at 3am, I was wrecked.  Work for the next two days was a physical nightmare, and then trying to catch up on things at home made it worse.  There was a modicum of disappointment in this, because I truly had hoped that losing the weight would help.  Less stress on the joints, after all, should equal less pain and inflammation, right?  The frustration wasn't so much in the pain itself, as that's an expected part of my life, but in the fact that I do try to do the Right Things to control it, and didn't get the desired result.  It was kind of like when I sat in the cardiologist's office and he told me that my losing weight was great, and my watching my diet was great, and he wasn't worried about any of that, but that I was still going on blood pressure medication because none of it would change things for me.

I do actually have a point to this, honest.

At the end of the day, that accountability lies squarely on our own shoulders when it comes to being proactive with our health and our bodies.  Disease and injury come from outside sources, but how you handle those things is your own choice.  But when the Right Choices don't necessarily work, a crossroads is met again.  It's at that point where you decide if you're going to live your life the way you want, or are you going to live your life the way the pain says you should.  There are no "right" answers to that question, and on any given day, the answer may change.

But my pledge to myself has always been, and will always be, that my life will be lived on my terms.

So with that, my friends, Laissez Les Bons Temps Rouler!

Obeying the Law

I'm sure everyone out there on the Internet is a cheerfully law abiding citizen.  What?  You're not?  You occasionally speed, or you might possibly have happened to inhale when your buddies (NOT you!) had that smidgen of ganja in college?  Hmm.  Well ok, maybe we can settle on "mostly law abiding."  We won't go any further than that, to protect the uh...innocent.

However, the law we need to discuss today applies more to those of us who have to be mindful of our activity levels, lest we pay for them in misery later.  I refer, of course, to Newton's Third Law of Motion:

"For every action, there is an equal, and opposite, reaction."

"Translation: Push, and something pushes back."

It's a pretty simple concept, really.  And while it has been tested and proven and retested and reproven in physics labs all over the world, anyone who has physical limitations and they will tell you that they do not need a lab.  All we need is our daily lives to show us that if we push, our bodies will, unequivocally, push back.  We know our limits, and yes, I'm talking to you too.  Don't look away, come back here and admit it.  You know your limits, but you don't always follow them, do you?  Exactly.  And neither do I.

My "official" limits, according to the Functional Capacity Evaluation are total restriction of things like kneeling and squatting, and that I can stand and/or walk up to ten minutes out of any given hour.  Ummmm...yeah.  The first part isn't too difficult to avoid.  The second?  Well, let's just say I break nearly every day of my life.  Don't get me wrong: I own this decision.  I blame no one for it, and I accept the consequences of my actions.  But man, oh man, it hurts when I do it.  

There are probably a zillion things every week that I do that I technically shouldn't.  However, there is a fine line, a balance of sorts that one must fine between pushing and pushing too far.  I do push a bit in order to try to keep the muscles that do work toned and strong.  This compensates for the others that don't.  I also do it to gain a little extra strength, in the hopes that some day it may work enough that I can adapt enough to walk on my own.  Hasn't happened yet, I know.  But never say never, right?  

And part of it definitely traces back to pride.  Yes, yes, I can hear it now: "Well duh, Mick, you know what goeth before a fall, and if you push too hard, you will fall."  Believe it or not, I'm not completely clueless here.  However, I have always been an active, physically strong person, and losing that aspect of my very self just isn't an acceptable option for me.  My lower body strength tanked so fast and so hard, and there is really no way for me to reclaim it as of yet.  My upper body, though, has to be strong on the days when I find myself in need of my crutches or wheelchair.  So I do a lot of core strengthening (not enough, though!), and I lift weights as well.  I love the feeling of my muscles working; it's a sensual experience knowing that at least parts of my body are toned and strong.  To me, strength is sexy.  I want that in myself as well.  I find that line, and I push to it with my upper body.

However, I am quite guilty of pushing too far on the lower body, and paying for it later.  Case in point: last year, my friend The Silent One and I went to New Orleans.  As shutterbugs, we spent from early morning til last in the evening eating, drinking (oh, the drinking!), exploring, and shooting all over the French Quarter.  We walked everywhere, scoffing at taxis, and forgetting about street cars until it was too late.  Adrenaline was my main drug of the weekend, feuling my ever present desire to get that next shot with her, see the next treasure of the Big Easy, or meet that next fascinating local personality.  By the time I got on the plane to go home, that adrenaline had started to fade, and I knew I was in for some major problems.  Anyone who has ridden on a plane knows how cramped it is, so when I stood up to change planes in Atlanta, I was nearly dropped from the sudden tidal wave of excruciating pain.  It took my breath away, and flooded my eyes at the same time.  I tend to wait until I'm nearly the last person off so as not to hold people up, but even still, my ability to walk was severely hindered.  I did it, made it home, and managed a snippet of second-wind adrenaline when I saw the kids.

The next morning, however, brought me right back where I had been the night before.  I was hitting the pain pills before I ever left the house that morning for work.  I scraped my way through work, came home, and was down for the rest of the night.  I paid for that excursion for about 4 or 5 days, but I said then, and I would say now, that in the grand scheme of my life, it was worth every second.

So now, I'm leaving on Friday morning for a long weekend.  Guess where I'm going?  And guess with whom I'm going?  Yup.  The Silent One and I, along with Lucille and Alejandro (our cameras), will be back in the French Quarter on Friday afternoon, shooting.  Our favorite Mardi Gras krewe has their parade on Saturday night, and we will be there.  It means standing outside for 2 hours ahead of time to get a good spot, and then dealing with being jostled and knocked during the parade from the crowd.  From there, we head to Bourbon Street to uh...enjoy the local night life.  We'll do all the same things plus some new ones this year.  We will pack as much fun as humanly possible into 4 days.

And then, on Monday night, I will fly home.

I do this knowing that the rest of next week will be sheer physical agony.  I do this knowing that I will need to use my crutches, take extra doses of my pills (yes, floater doses safely built into the regimen), and be nearly useless after work.  I do this knowing that there is the potential for damage if my knee cannot handle the pressure and I fall.  I do this knowing that there are people in my life who think I am a complete idiot for my choices, and who will roll their eyes and tell me that I am indeed, an idiot.

But the bottom line?

Is that I will Push.

Riding the stress train

For the past two weeks, things in my life have been really stressful.  Like most people, this can derail the best intentions for healthy living, whether it's giving in to the craving for rich, comfort foods, or being too worn out to exercise.  For someone with a disability, this can also mean an increase in pain levels as well.  It's at this time, though, when we really need to be the most careful, by making better choices in food, staving off an immune crash with vitamins if our diet is more off than we'd like, and at least attempting to do some gentle movement and stretching to decrease the pain.

In my particular case, I am not a stress eater.  In fact, quite the opposite.  But while this may appear at first to be a blessing instead of a curse, it does make my usual approach to food much more difficult.  Oftentimes, when stressed, I will have to contend with low level nausea at the mere idea of food.  This renders me unable to eat some of my usual high protein options, instead reaching for simple carbohydrates, which my stomach handles much better.  I do still try for the Greek yogurt in the morning, as I have several medications that I need to have on board every day.  But to take them requires food, so there you go.  Tea is another staple of my life, so I'm glad I'm able to still drink it without it making me sick!

So when stress hits, and we're off our feed, what is the answer?  Let's look at some potential options.

If stress eating is your bane, don't vilify yourself for wanting the comfort foods.  Deprivation just leads to binging, which is pointless sabotage.  Instead, try for some basic modifications to those foods to at least make them healthier.  Is mac and cheese your balm?  Add some broccoli and cauliflower to it, and maybe some ham for protein.  Or how about mashed potatoes smothered in gravy?  Make them with low sodium chicken broth; it'll have lower fat than cream, and more taste, too.  How 'bout that delicious wedge of chocolate cake?  Go ahead and indulge, but make it a slender slice, and top it with a few handfuls of fresh berries, which are packed with antioxidants and vitamin C. 

When stressful times hit, appropriate amounts of rest are vital to everyday functioning.  Don't skimp on sleep, even if it means bailing on some social outings.  If your sleep is interrupted due to the stress, do some creative image meditations, and at least rest your mind and body.  Melatonin can assist in restful nights, along with bedtime routines.  However, medical sleep aids should only be a last resort, and supervised by a physician.

Exercise is tough to do when stress rears its ugly head.  Extra fatigue and increased pain levels suck motivation faster than a Sham Wow on a water spill.  If the idea of heading off to the gym makes you want to crawl into a hole, skip it.  But don't let your body off the hook completely.  Go for a walk to clear your head, pop a favorite dvd into the player and do the treadmill/elliptical/bike.  Lift some weights, concentrating on pouring your stress into each rep.  Or turn on some guilty pleasure music and dance your uh...anatomy...off.  Not that I would ever even recognize the song, but um, let's just say I've heard that stuff like Rihanna's Pon de Replay can be catchy and boppy enough to get you moving.  You don't have to run a marathon or work out for several hours to be effective.  Just move.

Part of our stress can easily be attributed to feeling out of control of our situation.  In keeping control over our basic health, we remind ourselves that we do have the power to achieve our goals of better health.

Cheers!

Working it out

There is a very simple component to a healthy body that is so often overlooked, that many people don't even realize that it should be in their everyday routine.  That thing, my friends, is stretching.  Now, I'm not talking about doing Pilates and Yoga til you can apply to Cirqu du Soleil as a contortionist.  It doesn't need to be that strenuous or extreme.  But the benefits of stretching are numerous, and if you already have an issue with a joint of muscle, it's almost mandatory.

Tight joints and muscles are much more apt to be sore and painful, even before exercise.  Gentle stretching loosens up the fibers and allows for greater lubrication and blood flow, thereby reducing the risk of injury.  Remember to stretch slowly, though, and never bounce; this leads to muscle tears.  And for the love of Mick, please, please do NOT do that one stretch that used to be so popular among the runners I knew.  It involves sitting with one leg extended straight, and the other leg bent back such that the foot points away from the body, to the outside.  This stretch has been a staple for years, but it so, so bad for the knees.  My youngest, the Ambassador, is a soccer addict.  (Yeah, I said it.)  But any time he gets a coach who starts with this stretch, I  forbid him to do it.  His Osgood-Schlatters Syndrome aside, it's just dangerous for the knee joint in general.  If you have access to a trainer, or a physical therapist, I implore you to seek the counsel of a professional before really getting into any heavy stretching.  Don't risk an injury.  If not, your doctor can help, instead.  Don't make the mistake of blowing this off as something that's easy or unimportant.

Increasing flexibility also improves balance.  Now, not everyone who has a disability or limitation will have concurrent balance issues, but the vast majority will.  If you don't know the reason for this, Alvin and the Chipmunks will be happy to educate you on the topic!

It took me a while to learn this too, really.  But it's true that everything is truly connected.  My injury is in my right knee.  However, in addition to my balance, both of my hips and lower back are very much affected simply because I stand and walk differently than the human body was designed to move.  Same goes for someone with a shoulder injury; it will affect their arm, neck, and back as well.  It may not seem like that would impair balance, but trust me when I tell you, it does.

Stretching before exercise is a great warm-up for the body, but most people forget the fact that stretching after exercise is almost more important.  When we work out, muscle fibers break down and can tighten up.  Stretching gently loosens them up again, and helps the healing process improve.  It keeps the blood flowing through the joints, which prevents swelling and soreness from exacerbating. 

Even if you aren't sure what stretches are right for your body, here's one that almost everyone can do after a workout: Lie flat on the floor; doesn't matter if you're supine or prone.  Whichever is more comfortable is fine.  Try to reach your toes to the other side of the room, and your fingertips to the opposite wall.  Hold for ten seconds and relax.  Repeat two more times.  Obviously, unless you're in a really, really small room, this will not be possible.  But the light, all-over stretch will loosen the spine and the major joints, and feel really great.

We'll make ourselves into rubber bands in no time!

Pobody's Nerfect

I want to talk about a topic near and dear to my heart.  Food.  The bane of dieters' existence, the enemy of every scale, the villain in every triumphant weight loss story.  That's right, none other than that which we cannot live without, and don't want to live with...food.

When physical limitations come into play, reducing the number and restricting the type of exercise a person can do, the relationship with food can be even more strained.  The problem is the perception that food is the enemy.  This has never been less true than it is today.  The problem is not that we're eating, but we're eating the wrong things.  Being healthy has never been about keeping a strict diet of organic lettuce and water.  It's about making good choices, and doing your part to enhance the flavor of those choices.  And yes, the occasional indulgence in the molten lava cake with the liquid fudge center (*cough* just an example, of course...*cough*) is included in that.  No one makes the exact right food choices every single time; it's long past time to end the guilt ridden misery that comes from making the occasional unhealthy choice in our diets.  If we focus on improving the overall picture of our nutrition, the little indulgences won't affect it.

There is absolutely an emotional component to the food choices we make, and we can learn to steer those emotions as well.  If it's been a crappy day, and your emotional response is to reach for a brownie sundae, just stop.  First, drink a glass of water.  Then have a healthier option, with a piece of dark chocolate after.  Savor it, enjoy it, revel in its richness.  Your body gets the benefits of the nutrition, and your brain gets to have the indulgence as its end note.  This takes some time before it becomes a habit, but it is absolutely doable.  And the more this becomes a habit, the less guilt you'll have on those occasions when you make that conscious choice and eat a whole piece of cake.

There are no easy answers to the "perfect" diet.  There's one based on blood type, low carb, no carb, low glycemic, high protein, high fiber, low cal, whatever.  What it all boils down to is simple math.  Calories in need to be less than calories out in order to lose weight.  But how you get there is almost as important.  After all, eating 1800 calories of chips, pizza and soda will have a much different effect on the body than the same amount of calories consisting of lean protein, fresh fruits and veggies, and complex carbs.  If you aren't sure how good something is for you, read the label.  No label?  Google it.  None of this is rocket science, people.

Learning some very basic cooking skills is a fantastic way to enhance your nutritional profile.  Experiment with spices, textures, methods of cooking.  A pork chop, pan fried to a nice shoe leather consistency, for example, is a completely different meal than a succulent pork chop brushed with an apricot ginger glaze and grilled.  (Apologies to my mother in law!)  Instead of complaining about the fact that your whiny, picky eater self just can't eat healthy, try actually being proactive and responsible first.  You don't have to be a student at the Culinary Institute of America to make a delicious, healthy meal.

First and foremost, food is fuel.  But as humans, we do get profound sensory delight from it.  There is no reason not to relish the tastes and textures on our plate, as well as a beautiful presentation.  It takes almost no time or effort to plate a meal in an attractive manner, but when do we take the time?  We're in such a rush for that instant gratification that we fail to make even the smallest gestures.  Slow down.  Enjoy each bite.  Feel the textures, consider the taste.  What spices or flavors can you pick out on your tongue?  Do you recognize the ingredients?

In order to improve our relationship with our food, we will need to put in some time, some effort, and a whole lot of love.  I'd love to hear from others on what meals they like to prepare and the amazing feedback they get.

STOP! Lesson time!

Ladies and gentlemen of general society, please have a seat at your desks.  School is in session.

For a person with limitations on what can be done in the physical world, it's very easy to have opinions and perceptions written in black Sharpie before you're even introduced to the person who's making them.  Many people have "blind" limitations -- meaning that their shoulder, for example, may not move like an unimpeded person's shoulder moves, but they don't wear a sling or adaptive device.  People don't realize there's an issue unless they're either told, or the person makes an adaptive motion such as switching a burden to the other side.  For me, though, the black brace and the cane are like my own personal neon sign screaming "OMG! DISABLED PERSON ON THE LOOSE!" to everyone who crosses my path.  As someone who prefers to not be in the spotlight, I'm sure you can imagine how happy this makes me.

One of the most common assumptions is that I'm incapable of opening doors.  If I get to a door with someone behind me, I tend to hold the door for the person.  What can I say?  My parents raised me to be polite.  The usual response that I get is something like, "Oh gosh, I should be holding the door for you!"  Now, I realize that the person is just trying to be nice.  But I promise you, that while my knee is a mess, my arms are both quite solid. I honestly can manage to open a door, and with either one!

The really nice check-out staff at my favorite grocery store has been "trained" for lack of a better word, to know that I am most likely going to refuse help out with my groceries.  This has nothing to do with foolish pride: the fact is that I lean on the cart when I walk, and it takes some pressure off of my leg.  It also provides a little extra stability as I go down the ramps to the parking lot.  So no, thank you; unless I have more than one cart worth of stuff, in which case I will generally bring a kid, I do not want you to take my grocery cart for me.  They still offer with a smile, and I refuse with a smile.  But they don't push the issue, for which I am eternally grateful.  I have actually had a person pull my cart away from me, telling me that he will be helping me with my groceries.  After I recovered my balance from having it disrupted, a brief, quiet conversation with his manager proved him wrong.

Yesterday, I executed a surprise for my kids: a day trip to the mountains to go snow tubing.  I grew up in the Northeast, where I went sledding every possible moment during the winter, usually down a stupidly dangerous track in the woods.  The idea for the trip started here.  And I knew full well when I showed up, that the automatic assumption would be that I was a spectator, not a participant.  The harried girl behind the tall counter didn't see anything from the chest down, so there wasn't even a blink when I paid for 5 tickets.  But I saw her eyes go as wide as saucers when she saw me laughing with my family as we headed out the door of the lodge to get our tubes, bright orange tags on our jacket zippers.  I grabbed my tube and went to the conveyor belt with my kids and headed up to the top.  The attendant gave me a glance, but didn't say anything.  I got some startled looks from people as I chose a tubing lane, but when I shoved off and flipped into the tube, holding my cane under one arm, that's when people's jaws started to hit the snow.  For the rest of the day, people on the conveyor belt heading up the side would point and stare when I'd go flying by on a tube.  My own kids didn't even blink at the idea that I would be sliding with them, as this wasn't anything that could really endanger me.  But to everyone else, I was an anomaly at which they were astounded.

Throughout the day, I ignored people who looked at me like I was a circus attraction.  I did respond politely to those who ventured to speak to me. After all, they were just asking a question, which I respect a whole lot more than a perceived assumption.  But it really led me to realize just how much society assumes about a person when they have a visible limitation.  Now, the one attendant at the top, when I flopped into the tube a little early, howled with laughter when he saw me use my cane to give myself an extra push.  He yelled, "Use it like an oar!"  I loved that.  Another attendant, saw me come by again chuckled and said, "You're better at this than half the able bodied people!"  I just laughed and said, "Hey, you manage your disability or it manages you.  Mine will never manage me!" as I slid off down the hill.

We may never be able to change the way people think when they see a disabled person on the street; to make them realize that we have a disability, as opposed to being a disability.  But we can definitely drop some of our own fears, and embrace our own sense of adventure and fun.  We can show by our actions that we are not delicate little orchids to be kept on a shelf in a hot house when the world is happening outside.  We need to be the ones who live our lives, find ways to adapt when we can and still do the things we want to do.

Only then, will the stares of incredulity dissipate like our breath in the snow.

Deprived? Hmm. Maybe not...

When the topic of exercising with physical limitations comes up in conversation, it's often met with a flippant response of, "Whatever.  Just swim instead."  Well, sure!  I'll just come home from work, make dinner, and hop right into my indoor, heated lap pool that I had installed last month.  Oh wait...

There are hundreds of "guaranteed weight loss" machines out there, just waiting for the desperate people, hoping to lose some of their fluffiness with the very least amount of effort.  Problem is...most of these are absolutely not possible for people with orthopaedic impairments.  This constant barrage of "it's so easy!" being met with, "yeah, but I can't use it" can get old very fast, creating a huge level of frustration.

To try to alleviate some of that frustration, and help my fellow Adapters to realize that we don't have it quite as bad as we thought, I offer up the following examples of exercise equipment that we cannot use:

First up, I give you the i-rider horseback riding machine.  (Just gonna take a second and let that name sink in...)  You can ride your way to a stronger core, and um...well....maybe give yourself a nice ride while you're at it!  With the instability in my leg, along with the lack of strength, there is no way I could handle this.  And somehow, I'm glad!  Want to see a video of this little beauty?  Oh yeah, baby.  You know you do!

*cough*

Ok, moving on.  Here's another gem of a machine that has all the ladies lining up.  It's called the Ab Circle.  this little wonder has you on your knees, leaning over, and either swinging your bottom half back and forth like a cat in heat, or opening and closing your legs like a...well, I won't finish that one.  Instead, I'll just let you see for yourself:

Don't bother with the whole thing.  Just watch the snippet starting at 1:20.  It'll be enough.  Every man wants to buy one of these for his woman, but gentlemen, please take my advice and don't do it.

And of course, we always play fair at the Imperfectionist.  Men have their "special" equipment too!  From the time they are adolescents, boys need a way to strengthen their arm muscles.  Poor little scrawny boys get picked on!  Let's help them be the hot, buff Adonises that they want to be.  Get every boy their very own Shake Weight!

So you see, you don't necessarily have to feel left out of the mainstream, simply because your body won't allow you to use popular exercise equipment.  Sometimes all you need is a partner!

Within the navigational beacons*

Dinner last night was fantastic.  I'd scored some tilapia fillets on sale B1G1, so I decided to make them because I knew it'd be quick and easy.  I know a lot of people bake theirs, but I love broiled fish.  Leftover buttermilk became the dredging vehicle, and then a mixture of panko and parmesan cheese combined for the crust.  I broiled them for 4min on one side, flipped them, and put them back in for 5 more min.  I know I probably should've gone green for a side, but we did carrots instead.  Thew hole family raved, and the teenagers went back for seconds.  Now I wish I'd gotten more of them!

I had stuff to do last night, but had also planned on a light workout as well.  I've been in some pain lately, so I didn't want to push too hard.  However, one of the biggest mistakes someone with a disability can make is to stop moving completely.  Joints stiffen, muscles get tight, and soreness will increase, causing a nasty little cycle to ensue.  Bad move.

Every person who works out needs to learn and understand the difference between "sore" and "painful."  They are two vastly different things when it comes to exercise, and mistaking one for the other can have disastrous results.  When you lift weights and feel it the next day as your muscles protest your attempts to get out of bed and in the shower, that's soreness.  This is actually a good thing, as your muscle fibers break down, and then rebuild.  Stretching can ease this, along with heat and massage.  Resting the muscles before pushing them again is essential, but there is no reason to stop exercising. In the same example, though, if you are lifting and feel a sudden, sharp pain in a muscle or joint, it's time to stop immediately.  At this point, continuing could lead to some serious damage.  You need to assess whether it was a momentary torque in your body, or whether there is an actual injury that requires professional attention.

When a disability is brought into play, whether it's temporary or chronic, pain becomes a whole 'nother issue.  In rehabilitative therapy, there is and element of working through the pain a little in order to push your body into working again.  A lot of this come in knowing your own body, but be careful not to create excuses.  There are people in my life who scold me for doing various activities even though I'm in pain, and I have to laugh.  My honest response is, "If I 'rested' every time I was in pain, my sorry tail would never get up off the couch."  There's no exaggeration there.  I am in pain pretty much most of the time, but I am very used to it.  It's relative low level, controlled by medication, and I can ignore it without any trouble.  When it escalates, then I need to pay attention and make a better assessment.

Now, most people are pretty familiar with the visual pain scale, simply by having been to a doctor with an injury or illness.  It usually looks something like this standard one:

However, mine is slightly different than this one.  I thought I'd share it, simply to give you a little more insight into my perspective:

Pain, as a general rule, doesn't so much make me sad or depressed as it gets me mad.  It hinders me from doing the things I want to do, and so I get angry.  In figure 1, you see my normal, dorky self.  At figure 2, the pain level is rising such that I now notice it.  But it's more of an eye-rolling annoyance than much else, and I can go back to whatever activity I was enjoying.  At figure 3, I then need to address it.  And if I have to address it, I'm seriously pissed, because it means that I have to stop what I'm doing, and most likely use [more] mobility assistants or take to the couch.  If I hit figure 4, I don't actually cry, but I usually want to.  (No judgments on people who cry; I'm just not much of a crier for whatever reason.)  At this point, I am on my back with the knee elevated, packed in ice, and am popping pain killers like Pez.

You should always have your own version of this if you're going to exercise when you have limitations.  You need to know your body's boundaries for when it's ok to "push through it" or "ignore it" and when you need to "just stop.  As in now."  Last night, I was hovering around figure 2, so I went ahead and did my push-ups on the ball, and then used the foam roller to stretch out my back and hips.  I had wanted to do some all over stretching, but I've been at this long enough to know that it would not have been a wise idea.  My knee was swelling and slipping, which just would've gotten worse.

Whatever symptoms you experience along with pain need to be monitored closely to figure out your own baseline.  For me, it's swelling and instability.  For others, it might be totally different.  Learn your body, learn your limitations, and listen to them.

That said?  No excuses.  No playing the pain card unless you have to.  Don't ever use your disability as an excuse: you deserve better than that.  If you need to skip a workout, or cut it short, then do it.  Own it, accept it, and let it go.  But respect your body and your spirit enough to only do that when you truly have to.

Strength is within your reach -- you just have to stretch a little to get it.


*If you get this reference, you get a zillion and five brownie points!

Up the yin yang

Yeah, ok, so my sense of humor is a little warped.  No big surprise to those who know me, I'm sure.

There were some positives and some negatives yesterday, so I figured I would lay those out before I get to my planned topic for today.

I did make the roasted butternut squash soup, using a bit of vindaloo and substituting Greek yogurt for heavy cream to add protein.  Woohoo!  *snork*  Not so much.  Apparently, most of my family (sans one child) does not like butternut squash.  The two guys tried it, gagged, and set it back down.  One girl expressed great gratitude that she was away at college and missed it, and the other girl ate it, but didn't want more.  I tried to like it, but failed.  Yeah, that pot went down the disposal.  Blech.

However, I did do my core workout, and I also used the foam roller to stretch out my back.  This segues beautifully into today's topic, which is the idea of using some basic tools to adapt some exercises and also to protect injured or sore body parts.

To do any core work, I use a basic therapy ball. I couldn't for the life of me tell you the brand name, but it cost me around $25 at Target and looks something like this one:

This protects my lower back, and keeps me from having to get down on the floor and back up.  And really, for my own body, it's more effective because I can start from a slight arch instead of 180 degrees, getting a better workout for my ab muscles.  On adaptation I have made is to lie with my knees on the top of the ball and my hands on the floor.  I can do push-ups this way, because it doesn't involve the leg strength and balance that traditional ones do.  I definitely get as much of a work out as anyone else, considering I'm starting from nearly flat and then going down and back up.  Works well!

Another cool thing I found and asked for at Christmas was this:

You can read the description here: https://www.rejuvenationrehab.com/product/alignment-mobility-kit.  (Mine came from Target.)

Now, I have a dear friend who is an athletic trainer who nearly skinned me for using this on my IT (ilio-tibial) bands as shown above.  Mine are a mess, but I was honestly stunned at the level of pain I experienced when I tried to use it to massage them.  Wow.  However, let me say that using this thing on my back, both vertically and horizontally, has been a-freakin-mazing.  My back gets really tight really fast, and this has helped me stay loose.  I love it.  I can also use it on my quads/hamstring and my calves as well. 

Let me be clear, though: I am by no means trying to say that people should run out and buy these items.  I'm not about product endorsement or advertising or whatever.  I am merely sharing what I am using to adapt some exercises and help my own body.  If anyone has recommendations or options they'd like to share, I would love to hear them!

Tonight's plan is to do push-ups on the ball and then do all-over stretching.  My joints and muscles have been tight, which just makes me more sore in the damp, winter weather.

The Nitty Gritty (Without the Dirt Band)

Well, if I'm going to have a blog about striving for fitness and health with a disability, it's time to air out the dirty laundry.  I know it's part and parcel, but there is something about letting those ugly little details be seen by others that makes it a little too realistic.  But in all things worth having, there is such a thing as accountability.  If you're not going to do it right, don't do it.  So here it is...

I'm 5'10" tall, but I do not stand up straight unless I can hold something on the right side along with my cane.  (This prevents me from falling, of course.)  So I look a little shorter than that.  My current weight is 174lbs, but at my highest, I was somewhere upwards of 230.  Once I hit 225, I stopped getting on the scale, but I know I went higher.  So I estimated my starting point at 230, even though the real number was probably more.  I've looked at varying weight charts, and from what I've found, the highest end for my "large frame" (gotta love having shoulders like a linebacker!) is 170lbs.  I'm not a huge fan of the BMI, considering it doesn't take gender or frame into account, or body type either.  However, in the interest of accuracy and thoroughness, I calculated that too.  It's 25, which put me right on the cusp between "healthy" and "overweight."

The disability issues that hinder me are the lack of strength and balance capability in my right leg, as mentioned yesterday, and also cervical stenosis with a bulging disk in my neck.  This impedes some of my weight lifting, and also completely killed my one perfect, aerobic exercise, kayaking.  After that became verboten last spring, I hit the skids a little, and really struggled to recover.  It felt like a kick in the teeth, having finally found the "perfect" exercise that I could actually do, and then to have it taken away.  I was pretty seriously depressed about it.  However, I am allowed to go if it's a calm day with no wind, and I don't push the current at all, so I'm planning to get back on the 'yak this summer.

My goal here has never been about a particular weight or BMI, though.  There is no magic number on the scale that will suddenly turn me into one of those rare women who thinks she looks fabulous.  Because really, it isn't about that number.  It's about how I feel.  It's about how my jeans fit, it's about how I think I look when I get into a bathing suit.  Let's face it.  I'm nearly 40, gimpy, and really not interested in playing any sort of flirtation game like some 20 something kid.  When I walk on the beach, my goal is not to attract the admiring glances of the young and beautiful.  When I walk on the beach, my goal is not to lose my balance in the shifting sand and fall on my face.  I think that's a high enough pedestal for now, hmm?

My current jeans size is a 12, and they aren't uncomfortably tight or anything.  If I drop one more size, great, but if not, I'm fine with that too.  My biggest body image issue is my abdomen.  I am, as I've quipped before, all gut and no butt.  It's just...flabby.  I don't like it.  There, I said it.  I don't hate all of my body, but I sure as hell do hate what's between the tatas and the hips.  I want that part of my body to slim down a little, to be better toned.  I have decent arms when I'm not slacking off the weight lifting I do, and my legs are asymmetrical at best, but not horrible.  But the sight of my midsection is enough to make me cringe.

So today's goal when I get home is to do the stretches with the foam roller (more on this tomorrow), and do some core work on the therapy ball (more on this tomorrow too).  I'm making a roasted butternut squash soup for dinner, but I need to come up with a protein to add, too.  That is one thing that I have done so far is to jack up the protein levels for the whole family, not just for the diabetic member (no, not me).

OK, so there you have it.  All of my embarassing shame, laid out for the world.  Hey, just be glad I didn't include pics!

The Elusive Quest for Perfection

...is a total crock of shit.  There.  I said it.  Pick up any health and fitness magazine, and it's filled with men and women with already-perfect bodies doing exercises designed to help them attain and even more perfect body!  Just 20 minutes a day and you too, can look like a super model!

Riiight.  So anyhow, despite my derision at the disproportionate body image that society, combined with the media, has convinced women that they need to achieve (and maintain!), I too, find myself at least attempting to look more like the ideal and less like...well...me.  Now, there isn't a person I know who couldn't stand to tweak their diets a little bit.  Pobody's Nerfect, and we all have our little "sins" that we choose not to completely leave.  Now, pllease note the use of the word "choose."  That was very deliberate, as what we put down our gullets every day is a choice.  I refuse to be one of those people who doesn't take responsibility for their health, and I won't support those who do so.

However, there is an element of health that is sadly neglected by some, embraced by others, and can appear very inaccessible to a large, silent group of people.  Those same fitness magazines offer fantastic tips for adding weight loss moves into our everyday lives: park far away from the door, take the stairs, get a pedometer and reach for that 10,000 steps a day.  The exercises they feature are fat busting! muscle building! toning! optimizing! the key too all things blissful and perfect...oh wait.  Sorry.  Uh, went a little too far.

Aaaaanyhow.  There are those of us who have physical limitations that restrict us from doing a lot of what is touted as a great workout.  For some, it's chronic back problem.  Some have had shoulder surgery.  For me, it's my knee.  It was ruined by a doctor's negligence back in December of 2004, and since then I have worn an ACL brace and walked with a cane to prevent falls.  According to a Functional Capacity Evaluation, I have 8% of the functioning in my right leg.  I walk, but cannot walk far.  I cannot hold my leg up in the air or balance with it.  Kneeling/squatting/lunging and other similar activities are completely out of the question.

So what are my options?  How does someone like me work out, lose weight, get in shape?  That's the point of this blog.  My goal is to share my own journey, and hopefully have others like me come along.  I'm not the only person with a disability who wants to get my body looking and feeling better, and I know it.  It's time that we got together and created our own ways and then shared them with each other.  Whether it's recipes, workout moves that target muscle groups and avoid others, safe alternatives for stretching, I want to hear it.

I'll be posting examples of my own, but my hope is to get people reading and submitting theirs too.  I'd love to build a network of people who are reclaiming their strength and their health, and doing it on their own terms.

Welcome!