It's funny how the weirdest things can come from almost nowhere to clothesline an otherwise peaceful state of mind. I have been having issues with my stenosis escalating, as well as more pain and swelling in my knee, and both have adversely affected my confidence and calm. But this one...this really nailed me.
My wanderlust has never really been a secret to anyone who knows me. Since I was old enough to understand the phrase, "Lets' go!" I have always been happier when I'm going somewhere new, experiencing a new place, culture, meeting new people, trying new food. I guess it ties in with the whole AD/HD child thing, but I just like being on the go. So when I was at the grocery store the other day, I pondered picking up a magazine to read in a nice bubble bath that evening, and as my eyes wandered over Cosmo telling me how great my sex life could be, and Glamour telling me how to look fabulous in this year's spring fashions, I was inextricably drawn to the latest issue of National Geographic. The title was simple enough: 100 Journeys of a Lifetime. *DING* Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!
I never really had a "bucket list" of places that I wanted to see when I had the chance. My "list" consisted merely of the phrase, "All of it." So when a quick flip through the magazine as I stood in line revealed Machu Piccu, the Great Wall, the Fjords, and other delicious feasts to explore, the decision to purchase it was a no-brainer. I had stuff to do when I got home, as we had a friend coming in from out of town for an overnight stay. But the magazine was waiting for me upstairs like an impatient lover, and I knew it. Dinner was made and enjoyed, lively conversations exchanged, dishes washed. And then, finally, it was my time to go curl up and let my mind explore all the places I knew that some day I would photograph, the places in which I would immerse myself, absorbing their magics, their spirits, their personalities. Through them, I will learn the real histories of people, and hopefully work for a peaceful future.
As I delved into someone else's photos of these places, I read about "climbing the elevations," "renting a bicycle" and "multi-day hikes." It was like showing a starving child a feast and then saying, "But you can't have anything other than bread and water." What was a source of excitement for me quickly became glaring neon signs of everything I will never be able to do and see. I simply do not have the physical capability to do the required hike to get up and into Machu Piccu for example. Walking the 7 mile stretch of the Great Wall? I think not. As my fingers turned the pages, my heart grew heavier and heavier. It's one thing to have your limitations be mostly in the background, but it is quite another to have them dropped like a brick wall in front of your face.
The realization of just how many places are now out of my reach, hit me harder almost than the news that I wouldn't walk again by myself. I always had the attitude that I'd "work around it" but I am having to come to terms with the simple fact that there are things that can't be "worked around." Wheelchairs are simply not designed to be all-terrain vehicles, and they clearly are not designed to handle things like steep mountain trails. I tend to be pretty amused when someone tells me that I "can't" do something because of my disability, and I take great pleasure in proving the person wrong when I do it. But this is me having to face facts. And quite frankly, those facts really suck.
My head-space is not a healthy one right now. I know it, but I don't know how to fix it. I'm not even sure I have the strength of character to accept this with any sort of grace, and that's just as humiliating as the facts I'm trying to accept. I'm in a place where I hate my body. I'm furious, resentful, frustrated, bitter, and sullen. It's a lousy combination, yes. I'm well aware. But I'm just not sure I know how to get out of it.
Any ideas? Feel free to comment.
